How did you get into art?

Me getting into art…because I wasn’t always Christian, I would say wanting to make friends was what really inspired me to get into art. I saw that all the guys liked Dragonball Z so I started drawing that. But according to my babysitter, I was always drawing. The true introvert in me really enjoyed imagination. It was super important to me. A lot of people would have thought it was due to my rough childhood. Living at home was crazy. It was hectic and turbulent at my house, so a big thing for me was always daydreaming. It took a toll too, because I never did well in my classes in elementary. I felt dumb all the time, because I just was never present. Imagination is a key element as to why I’m an artist. Once I get that vision, I want to manifest that onto a piece of paper.

Before you became Christian, what were you into?

I was into pagan stuff, collecting crystals, meditating with crystals, talking to my higher self, talking to angels, trying to astral project, meditation, new thought ideology, always having to be positive. Trying to achieve this positivity without God truly present only dug a deeper hole and made it worse because I always thought I had to be more xyz to get what I want.

You mean you had to have a positive energy to manifest the right things?

Yeah, you had to be aligned with source, and God was only a genie, so if you weren’t aligned with source, if you were still feeling anxious, if you weren’t always in the present moment, then you were doing something wrong. That puts a lot of pressure on you to try and control an outcome of your life that you definitely couldn’t control. 

What changed?

2014, back when I had a breakdown in anxiety from a heartbreak. In all reality, it was totally my fault, because I had a lot of issues with anxiety and anxiety in relationships. Low self esteem. I was an insecure hot mess, so that all came crashing down when this one dude that I really liked rejected me 7 times. Not ashamed to admit it haha!

Nah girl, this is real! 

Long story short, this girl was trying to coach me on what to do with this person. When I told her what happened, she basically blamed me for what went wrong. That sent me left, because I put so much of my identity into being super perfect and knowing how to make the right moves at the right time. For me to one, ruin something and two, possibly hurt or annoy the person I cared about the most, made me hate myself. Capital H hate myself; my identity just fell apart.

These feelings of being a burden, of just existing and being a problem, these things weighed on me. And it felt like it all came crashing down. 

How did Christ pull up?

He pulled up. Around that time, to mask the pain and to also just kinda show the low point I was in, I started questioning my sexuality. It was to the point where when I looked in the mirror, I wouldn’t even see a female. Like my mind registered as a male. I was in such a state of disarray. I was like I have no other choice but to go into counseling. 

I felt like I had no control over anything anymore. I felt like I had this inherent flaw that no one else had but me. I went to counseling by God’s grace for two years.

Another seed that was planted was through a friend of mine who identified as a lesbian when I met her in community college. When I saw her again at Queens College, however, she no longer identified as gay. She gave her life to Christ. 

To see such a humble change in her…that stuck out to me, but I wasn’t ready to submit anything to Christ at that point. That seemed too religious to me. I wasn’t ready for it. 

Another seed that was planted was through these conspiracy theory channels on Youtube, because all of them were Christian honestly. They would always pull Scripture, and there was this one dude who would always quote Ephesians 6:12 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spirits, against principalities, against rulers in high places.” The more I heard it, the more I thought “…this is true.” 

During those years of having intense anxiety, I felt as if it was pure demonic attack. This is why I tell people don’t mess with those crystals, because it can definitely open you up to a lot of things. The spirit world and the world unseen is not just a whole bunch of angels looking out for your safety and for your good.

It’s not a joke. 

No, it’s not. There’s a spiritual war going on. Meaning that there are some bad dudes at play here too. I just felt a dark energy. I felt like the thoughts I was having were not my own whatsoever. 

When you got saved, what was that like? 

I felt the Holy Spirit was guiding me. It was around that time I was watching a lot of Christian apologetics stuff on Youtube. And I was like oh my gosh Christians actually make sense. This is awesome.

Haha shockerrrr.

But who really solidified in me that Christ was the way to go was my aunt. I went to Brooklyn Tabernacle. I forgot what she was telling me about, but she said something to the tune of ‘You know you don’t have to be a part of the world to have fun.’ And that was the biggest thing for me because I always saw myself as this dull, boring, not good person.  

So when my aunt said that it hit me, because she was telling me that I didn’t have to mend and mold myself to be somebody that I was not just to be more valuable. That where Christ is, that’s where my heart was also, I could be just accepted for who I am. 

That was like a lightbulb moment that went off in my head and in my heart. I was like I can do this. I can be myself finally. I can let go of the expectation of what I think the world wants me to be. I can focus on Christ, focus on that spiritually, and focus on that goodness and be awesome. 

After that, I wanted to dedicate my life to Christ. 

Do you feel more restricted? 

No. I feel freer. 

How would you inform or even encourage someone who feels like being Christian means that you’re restricted as artist?

If they’re thinking that if they become Christian, they have to draw Jesus all day long, that is not necessarily the case. You look at Genesis 1 and 2, and you see that He created all of this. It has been our perverted minds and our wicked imaginations that have turned that upside down. You can draw in a way that is glorifying life rather than glorifying death, sin.

When I became Christian, I really wanted to understand what worship meant. And I was reading in Paul Copan’s, “Is God a Moral Monster?”, that he said that worship comes from olde English and that it is two words put together, worth, ship. What is worth your time, love, and attention. It’s God, who literally created everything for us to enjoy within His bounds. Worth it, is everlasting love, and justice and truth, and kindness and joy and peace and nature and beauty. 

Like that don’t sound restrictive to me at all! That sounds way more encompassing. Jesus makes its even more beautiful, you now see that even the smallest thing as a rock, or the smallest wave, that has purpose too. That mountain has purpose, sex has purpose, gender has purpose. That has way more meaning that whatever society has put on it through sin. 

How did becoming a Christian impact your relationship with art?

(Showing me her art portfolio) You can see my art back here shows you my pagan-ness I would say. Especially when it comes to the collecting of crystals, the embedding my own thoughts. Becoming a Christian impacted my art, because I want to make things that glorify Christ, rather than glorify a lot of the modern themes that the world glorifies today. I’m also way more aware of what I draw of how it can impact others spiritually, for better or for worse. 

In 2021, how has taking on new projects been going?

It’s been going well. I was stuck in analysis paralysis phase. I coined that from my speech professor. A big project that I’ve been inspired to work on, thanks to QNS Socials (a bible study group at QNS Church) is a manga. I can just see the characters come to life whenever I’m there and learning about Jesus. That’s my big number one project that I’m working on right now. I’m in the research phase of it. 

What would you say to an aspiring artist? Christian or not. What words of encouragement would you extend to an artist?

I would tell them that I can’t guarantee that you’ll make it big. But this gift that has been given to you, that you’ve grown to cultivate through years of hard practice, is no mistake. It’s useful somewhere, and I wouldn’t doubt your place. Yes, the art world is very competitive, and there seems to be an abundance of artists doing almost the same thing, but you are a unique human being, with your own unique twist and take. No matter how similar somebody else’s art style or purpose for creating some things are, don’t let that stop you. Don’t let that stop you from getting your voice out there and letting it be heard. 

Cause that’s an issue I have too. The issue of comparison. 

There’s such a wide array of areas that you can use your art to bless others and it doesn’t necessarily have to be in this box that you think it needs to be. Like I need to make it big, I need to be solely doing my art and living off of it, I need to do this, I need to do that. Those are all boxes. 

If you’re a believer, it’s definitely a co-creation with the Holy Spirit. Ask God where you need to go with it, how He wants to use you to bless others. 

If you’re not a believer, I would say…